Keenote: Ranking Christmas decor, spreading more cheer

The past two weeks, I have reviewed both the best Christmas songs and Christmas movies. While it’s not exactly hard-hitting news or profound, worldly thoughts, I have thoroughly enjoyed my time as a Christmas-related reviewer, so I thought I’d continue on with my completely non-professional reviews. This week’s topic? Christmas decorations.

Top five Christmas decorations

1. Christmas tree—this is the very top of the list because it is the most classic decoration but also the most versatile. Christmas trees come in different shapes, sizes and colors. They’re also meant to represent the unique taste of each individual that owns one. Whether it’s fake or real, you can go for the more aesthetically-pleasing look of matching ornaments and traditional white lights. Or, you can decorate with sentimental ornaments (usually made by children) and multi-colored lights. I prefer the latter. 

2. Lights—another versatile decoration as you can put them on your roof, in your trees, along railings or pretty much anywhere near an outlet. Plus, many folks enjoy the tradition of driving through neighborhoods to experience the impressive light displays or heading down to the Falls to see the color-changing lights among the roar of the waterfalls. 

3. Snow globes—there are plenty of Christmas films that feature magical snow globes, like in The Santa Clause movies. Plus, it’s fun to think there are little worlds filled with Christmas spirit right inside a globe. 

4. Stockings—another versatile decoration as they can be personalized, aesthetic, large, small, fully decorated or plain. Plus, on Christmas morning, they tend to contain lots of special little somethings and often represent familial traditions. 

5. Reindeer—I’m a sucker for little reindeer statues that guard your Christmas tree while they wait for Santa to arrive. Plus, don’t we all wish that reindeer could really fly? No? Just me? OK. 

Now, I want to discuss the Christmas decorations that belong on the opposite list—meaning if they disappeared from existence completely, that’d be fine with me. 

1. Elf on the Shelf—I know that this is used as more of a Christmas-themed way to get your kids to listen, but it is beyond creepy. The idea of having a little elf in your house that watches your every move, reports back to Santa and then hides in a new spot each morning? No, thank you. Additionally, the Elf on the Shelf has become the target for many weird and frankly uncomfortable pranks. 

2. Anything inflatable—I don’t know why I dislike these, but I do not care for any inflatable snowman, Santa Claus, reindeer, gingerbread man or penguin. They creep me out, and I feel like they’ve got to use up an unnecessary amount of electricity.

3. Tinsel—it’s messy. I feel like it’s not as common as it once was, but the amount of glitter that’s involved in tinsel is too much for me. I also feel like it’s difficult to decorate with without looking too clumped or tacky. 

4. Mistletoe—I may be alone on this, but the concept of mistletoe is problematic. Sure, it can also be considered romantic or sweet, but I guess it depends who you get stuck under the little green plant with. Additionally, live mistletoe is toxic if consumed, which can be a problem for mischievous pets…or extra mischievous children.

5. Nutcrackers—perhaps this dislike comes from seeing Barbie in the Nutcracker too many times as a kid, but I don’t trust nutcrackers. Plus, although the ballet The Nutcracker certainly popularized nutcrackers, they date back to the 15th century—a fact that is certainly not popularized. I don’t have anything against the ballet or the invention of these wooden soldiers, but look at their faces, and tell me they aren’t plotting something.

Clearly, I have had too much time on my hands if I’ve been able to analyze Christmas decorations this deeply, but I’m just here to spread even more holiday cheer.