Trivial Pursuits: Dear Santa, Now listen good

Christmas has come and gone, but I couldn’t resist sharing a handful of the hysterical, historical “Dear Santa” letters I stumbled upon last week while perusing one of my favorite websites, Mental Floss. 

The batch was published in various newspapers in the early 20th century, which might account for some of the humor and a few incredibly age-inappropriate requests. 

Conrad from Lincoln, Neb., wrote back in 1896: “Dear Santa Claus: I thought I would write and tell you what I wanted for Christmas. Gun, story book, sword, stocking full of candy, pair shoes, toy watch and a knife. Don’t fool me.”

The weaponry wishes continue with a Florida tot, who writes in 1915: “Dear Santa Claus: I am Willie, age five; will you bring me a small ax and a coat size four years.” 

And here’s passive-aggressive Marie: “Dear Santa: As it is very near Christmas, I thought I would tell you what I would like to have for my Christmas presents. I would like to have the world and a fence around it, but as I cannot have it I will not ask for it. I would like a nice new dress, as it does me more good than plenty things. A doll and a set of dishes. That is all. Good-bye, Santa Claus.”

“Dearest Santa Claus,” writes Lynwood K. from Virginia in 1903, “I thought you might forget me, so I thought I would write you a reminder. I smashed everything you sent me last year.”

There’s also 4-year-old, Paul, with a dental concern: “Don’t forget to bring me tools for my tool chest papa made for me, and some candy and fireworks and nuts and oranges. Oh, Santa, I forgot to tell you about my little brother. I wish you would bring him a rattler, and please see if you can’t bring him some teeth. I have asked the doctor, and he can’t get him any, but I hope you can.”

Moxie from Tennessee (1916) says: “Dear old Santa, I want you to bring me some things for Christmas. They say I am mean, but I know you don’t think so. I want a bicycle and a pistol and some good things to eat.”

And can how anyone resist the demanding Merla from Florida (1915), who writes, “Dear Santa Claus: Now listen good so you do not forget anything I ask for. Please be sure to leave me a doll and a doll bed, a piano, some story books, a tea set, a ring, plenty of fruits and candies, and hair ribbons of all colors, two yards in each piece, a crochet needle and some thread, so I can learn to crochet, and I’ll try to be a good girl a whole year.” 

This one from Dick in South Carolina may be my favorite: “Dear Santa Claus, tell your snow fairies to come see us Christman. We haven’t had them to come see us in a long time. Santa, I want you to bring me a little air rifle. I want some nuts and fireworks. Santa, I want you to bring me a little boxball alley. I want you to bring me some books too. You had better be careful; our chimney is little and you might get fastened in it.” 

I sincerely hope that little Conrad didn’t get his gun, sword and knife, or Willie his ax, that these kids grew up to be more gracious adults, and that someone reassured poor Paul that it’s perfectly normal for 3-month-olds to be toothless.