Trivial Pursuits: 31 reasons I may have been late today

I’ve never been a particularly punctual person, and it only seems to get worse as I get older. Getting out the door in the mornings is the worst, especially wrangling a kiddo and pets in the process. When it was just me, my reasons for running late were pretty run-of-the-mill – construction detours, my alarm didn’t go off – but these days they look more like this:  

1. My dog, who had just gone out, decided to pee on the floor.

2. My daughter stepped in it.

3. All my eyeliners were in the bottom of my purse because I’d been using them as emergency pens.

4. I couldn’t find my phone. It was in my pocket.

5. My daughter decided it was a good day for sandals, even though there was snow on the ground.

6. My daughter decided to snuggle the cat instead of heading out the door, so she got scratched and needed a Band-Aid, only I couldn’t find one and had to MacGyver one out of toilet paper.

7. At least 15 telemarketers called and had to be silenced.

8. The wind blew an eyelash into my daughter’s eye on the way to the car, so she couldn’t see and is probably going blind as we speak.

9. My daughter remembered halfway to school that they’re having meatloaf and although she’s never tasted it, it’s the grossest thing ever and she needed a lunch, which I didn’t pack.

10. I couldn’t find my keys. They were in my hand.

11. The mean train tracks made my daughter spill her milk.

12. The dog was zooming around the sandbox and nobody could catch him.

13. My daughter decided it was a good time to have a meltdown over something that happened hours ago. Oh, did I say hours? I meant weeks.

14. We had to stop and get my daughter the doughnut I promised to stop the aforementioned meltdown.

15. The cute dog on the side of the road looked sad and needed to be petted.

16. I spilled coffee and had to buy some because I was wearing it all.

17. My daughter decided flowers and stripes was a good look for the day, so we had to have a discussion about how 9-year-olds don’t have enough life experience to be breaking fashion rules already.

18. The crust on my daughter’s toast was really, really bothering her and couldn’t be just pulled off and why can’t you just understand that, Mom?

19. The cat decided it was a good time to barf.

20. The dog tried to lick it up.

21. I dropped my phone and it cracked, and even though it has 89 other cracks already, my daughter cried.

22. A swimsuit my daughter had worn all summer was too tight today.

23. The cat needed an extra five minutes to knead my face.

24. My daughter panicked when she saw the soundtrack from The Greatest Showman had disappeared from my phone under mysterious circumstances I definitely know nothing about. 

25. I couldn’t find my shoes. I was wearing them.

26. My daughter decided it was a good time to clean out the hairbrush and leave big wads of hair all over the car.

27. I missed my turn grabbing hair.

28. I was rushing my daughter too much, and if I didn’t stop, her head was going to explode.

29. Halfway to school, we realized my daughter’s backpack was still on top of the dog kennel.

30. I missed my turn looking for the backpack.

31. Halfway to work, I realized my laptop was still on top of the dog kennel.